To express the full spectrum of emotions is normal. However, what I have experienced in working with many men and women is that often the range of feeling responses are reduced leaving just one feeling to dominate. Where one emotional expression is overly pronounced it ends up dwarfing and distorting all the others. It could be any one of the five in the feeling grid but typically for men it is anger.
Anger is often perceived as being the male emotion because it is perceived as the strong emotion while sadness, shame and fear are often perceived as weak emotions. Everything about expressive anger is big, the blood pumping and preparing the body to fight, defend and shout with the physical body becoming bigger and more rigid.
Anger is a normal emotion neither good or bad – however it can become unhealthy in the way that it is over or under expressed like any other emotion. Anger is acceptable within the male code – being angry proves ones masculinity where being sad ‘Big boys don’t cry’, or scared ‘show no fear’ and Shame ‘you are weak/ stupid’ all question men’s ability to be a proper man! Anger is ultimately man’s DEFENCE SYSTEM – it seeks to protect his fragile self from expressing any sense of being hurt. Many men have learnt that the best form of defence is offense.
‘Men pour out their vulnerable emotions through the channel of anger’ -Ron Levant 
When the emotional spectrum is reduced or pronounced through one emotion, men often lose the ability to express the full range of emotions and then easily express the wrong emotion at the wrong time. Typically for many men anger is the only emotion in his toolkit and therefore is left to express all the emotions through this one medium, often leaving those around him confused with that is happening. For instance a man may come to therapy because of relationship difficulties – the primary feeling could be sadness but because the man has lost the capacity of expressing sadness it is often expressed through anger either externally or internally. This can often cause further difficulties, confusion and misunderstanding within the relationship.
The goal within emotional fitness is learning to seek to express the right feeling, at the right time and at the right person/situation.
More on anger soon.
Tip from the #OMM coach – When you are feeling angry, what vulnerable feeling are are you seeking to defend yourself against?
Men may seem to have anger as a predominant emotion due to the dilemma that our culture only allows them anger, and not much of that, and only under certain circumstances. Is it any wonder that men only seem to express anger?
The other piece here that sometimes gets missed is the connection of testosterone. When you were a young boy were you more likely to express a variety of emotions? Would anyone show concern or want to listen? Most men I have talked to would answer yes to both those questions. Fast forward to adult males and you get a very different response. There is mounting evidence that testosterone is a large factor in our emotional processing and this is important for men to know. All too often therapists and media folks think men need to be more like women and to emote like women. I say that’s a bunch of crap. Men need to be men and be blessed for it.
On top of all this is the fact that a man’s emotional pain is taboo in our culture (US). Men are encouraged to be independent and strongly discouraged from showing any signs of dependency. Given that, how can we expect men to be publicly emotionally articulate?
Thanks Thomas – Yes I absolutely agree with you about social and gender socialization, my point here is not to blame men, but to bring it to awareness and then for men to relearn the ability to express the full range of emotions.
In terms of your comment about testosterone I am not convinced. While I certainly am no expert on the impact of testosterone on men and women I not sure if it is linked to anger. In some studies they have found a link between aggression in males, but many studies remain inconclusive. I suppose I react uneasily to a view that says , it’s in my genes or my balls , I can’t help it – the ‘boys will be boys’ argument. Even if this was true, aggression doesn’t necessarily follow a feeling of anger
In terms of your view about men becoming more like women – I am more interested in men evolving and growing in their maleness having the ability and freedom to express the full range of their emotions – this may be similar to women , it may be similar to other men, but I feel the goal is to be emotionally fit.
On your last point I totally agree. This is the challenge for us all which will take courage, modeling, risk and real strength. This is something that many women and men still need to allow in boys, men, fathers, partners and brothers.